Easy English
So you thought you were tough enough to try to learn English?

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.


Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • We must polish the Polish furniture.
  • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  • I did not object to the object.
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  • They were too close to the door to close it.
  • The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  • After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.


We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that:

  • there is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple
  • English muffins weren't invented in England nor were French fries invented in France
  • sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat
  • quicksand can work slowly
  • boxing rings are square
  • a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig
  • one ships by truck and sends cargo by ship
  • people recite at a play and play at a recital
  • noses run and feet smell
  • a slim chance and a fat chance are the same
  • a wise man and a wise guy are opposites


And why is it that writers write, but:

  • fingers don't fing?
  • grocers don't groce?
  • hammers don't ham?
  • if teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
  • if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?


What about plurals?

  • If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
  • One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
  • One index, 2 indices?
  • One mouse, 2 mice - one louse, 2 lice. So one house, 2 hice?
  • Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Sometimes one feels that all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?